It seems fitting to post this today, on Mother’s Day. When I re-read this entry from my week six of my Questioning Faith Journal now (three years after I originally wrote it) I still mean every word. The best thing I have ever done in my life is give birth to Firstborn and Secondborn. Because of them, I authentically know how a parent should and can love: with wild, unfettered, constant abandon seeking nothing in return.
Week 6, Entry 3
There is a song* that has become my theme song to my kiddos. They know it. We sing it to each other at the top of our lungs. When I turned on Pandora and stepped into the shower this morning, it was the first song that played.
Hands, put your empty hands in mine
And scars, show me all the scars you hide
And hey, if your wings are broken
Please take mine so yours can open, too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Oh, tears make kaleidoscopes in your eyes
And hurt, I know you’re hurting, but so am I
And, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine ‘til yours can open, too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you.
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
Yeah, you’re all I never knew I needed
And the heart—sometimes it’s unclear why it’s beating
And, love, if your wings are broken
We can brave through those emotions, too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Oh, truth—I guess truth is what you believe in
And faith—I think faith is having reason
And I know now, love, if your wings are broken
Borrow mine ‘til yours can open, too
‘Cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
I’ll be your eyes ‘til yours can shine
And I’ll be your arms, I’ll be your steady satellite
And when you can’t rise, well, I’ll crawl with you on hands and knees
‘Cause I…I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we’re breaking down, we can find a way to break through
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’m gonna stand by you
Even if we can’t find heaven, I’ll walk through hell with you
Love, you’re not alone, ‘cause I’m gonna stand by you
Love, you’re not alone…
I stepped out of the shower, wrapped a towel around myself, walked toward the carpeted hallway between our bedroom closets…
…and it hit me anew.
No heaven. No hell. Just now.
I couldn’t breathe and grabbed the door frame.
This is all there is.
Nothing after.
One day death will separate me from my little ones. It’ll be over for us. I come undone just thinking it again. I cannot fathom being separated from them. From this excruciating place of acknowledgment, I understand what birthed religion.
I grasp the pain that prompts and sustains belief.
I want an eternity with them.
I have never loved so thoroughly, unselfishly, completely, unconditionally, and whole-heartedly as I love Anderson and Ella. There is nothing I have or am that I would hold onto if they needed it. They have no concept of this because they’ve only been alive for the tiniest speck of time, but it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that they don’t have the maturity or knowledge yet to love me back. I don’t care. I don’t love them because they love me. I love them because I love them. That’s all. I love them because of them. I love Andy because he’s Andy. I love Ella because she’s Ella.
Lutherans believe this is how god loves humans. Just because we exist. That doesn’t jive with scripture, which notes that humans must provide ongoing belief in order to experience that relationship with god and spend eternity with him. They get around this hurdle by saying that god even takes care of the belief, though. They say he prompts the human to believe so that there can be relationship. How they make that jive with god still allowing free will is beyond me.
But I at least understand their concept of god loving a human just because the human is. I love Andy and Ella with an indescribable love. I do not care that my body is banged up, stretched out, and broken in ways from which it will never recover only because I grew them and birthed them. It is no cost at all because they are here. I don’t care that I’ve had maybe 50 nights of continuous sleep since the day Andy was born. I don’t care that more than half my heart is at all times now walking outside of my body, housed in their little beings. I don’t care that I have scratches from Ella’s cat and bruises on my feet from stepping on Andy’s Legos. There isn’t a cost to loving them. I just do.
But, one day, I will be no more. They will not have my wings to use when theirs are broken. Oh, how I hope that, by then, they will have their own little ones to love. I hope they have someone like I have my Charles. I’ve used his wings so much…mostly while he was busily making me new ones from my broken pieces.
Spending eternity with these ones I love is a reality I’d embrace in a heartbeat, if it were true. But when I pretend that it is, I take my eye off the here and now. I take today for granted. I get that idea again in the back of my mind that today doesn’t ultimately matter. I remove the precious value of today when I place hope beyond it.
I pushed off of the doorframe and went to my closet to get dressed.
*The song is Rachel Platten’s “I’m Gonna Stand By You”
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