For a few days, I’ve felt an inner urging to take my back issue of Bella Grace Magazine out to the patio and thumb through it. I’ve ignored this because Hubs and I have been busy parenting, job-searching (him), event managing (me), and trying to better organize this site. (It’s become a bit bigger than either of us anticipated.)
Underneath all that is a near-constant worry that I still can’t see the end-goal/vision for this site.
My entire professional life, I’ve been able to meet with a client and almost instantly see the kind of brand and career that the writer or product could have. I know the audience. I can see how to reach them, how they’ll react, how the writer or product can be tailored to achieve a given effect, etc.
Knowing where it would end up is the filter through which decisions along the way were fed.
With this blog, it’s really scary to be wholly incapable of seeing much further than what I’m writing right now. It’s like driving at midnight on a dark country road. I can see the little pool of light created by the headlights and I can sense there are dangers and delights beyond that circle, none of which can I do anything about.
I don’t have a goal through which I can filter the decisions of what to write about or podcast about next.
I was up most of last night, tossing and turning and wondering why I was tossing and turning. What’s unsettling me so? Probably…if I’m really real about it to myself (and it’s kinda dumb not to be)…it’s because even when I put my mind to it, I can’t envision and/or plan out where this website is going. I mean, before this blog I didn’t have to try to see where things could go. It just happened. Now, I’ve tried and I still can’t.
So, in my frustrated state this morning, I grabbed caffeine and Bella Grace and headed to the patio with a pen.
I first read an article about scents and their power to spark a memory or emotion. I journaled about that. But, while that was enjoyable, it didn’t feel yet like I’d accomplished whatever this time with the magazine and pen wanted. So, I kept thumbing through.
And then these words on page 81 caught my eye:
“Last week, I ended up on the beach in Naples, Florida…”
Wait. Wait. Wait. I live in Naples, Florida.
The inner me sat up. Yes, it seemed to say, pay attention.
I read Sarah Baker’s wonderful article about our spectacular sunsets and then arrived at her insight:
As I stood there, goosebumps creeping across my skin, practically unblinking at the painted colors in the sky, I realized something: sunsets are the farthest thing from organized, and often they can’t—or don’t—want to be confined.
They are messy.
Messy. Colors everywhere, mixing all over the place.
Yep, I am eyeball-deep in messy right now. I’ve put this info about my journey of faith out there and now am fielding calls and emails and social media messages from family and friends and strangers. And I don’t know where it’s all going or WHY it’s all necessary, only that it IS necessary.
Christians often re-term coincidences as “God moments” or “little nuggets from God.” In my 32 years of evangelical belief, I often shared these kinds of moments as proof of my relationship with God and His care for/knowledge of/involvement in my life to accomplish His will.
And maybe today’s interaction with Sarah Baker’s article is God dropping some wisdom or assurance into my lap.
But I know today that “God” is not wholly/fully/accurately described in the Bible. (Charlie and I talked about this in today’s podcast.)
“God” is not what I talked about for those 32 years. I don’t even use the word “God” that much anymore because I can’t yet get beyond the evangelical and Biblical version of the word.
There is Something Beyond Me.
And today SBM reminded me that messy is okay.
So, today, I keep writing.
Thanks for being here with me.
Right here, in the messy beauty of now.